Welcome to yet another riveting episode of our illustrious podcast, where hosts Moroni, aaaAAAaaa, Abish, and Abigail gather to take you on a rollercoaster ride of cynicism and dry humor. But before we dive into the depths of existential despair, let’s raise a glass to Abish’s latest creation, the infamous cocktail of the week: “U-gonna-die.” Because what better way to embrace the absurdity of existence than with a drink that tempts fate and tantalizes the taste buds? Disclaimer: We won’t be held responsible for any existential crises induced by this potent libation. Sip at your own risk.

Hold on to your skepticism as aaaAAAaaa unravels the twisted tale of the book of Mosiah. We navigate through the mind-numbing names and geographical conundrums with a generous serving of confusion. From the untimely demise of King Benjamin to Mosiah’s wild curiosity about the city of Nephi, Lehi, or perhaps Neha (who knows?), it’s a muddled turf war reminiscent of West Side Story or, dare we say, different areas in Utah County. Our journey takes a comical turn as we envision the brave men led by Ammon, getting lost in the wilderness for a mere 40 days—cue sarcastic applause. Finally, we pitch our imaginary tents at the hill of Shalom, a location destined for a future battle that, let’s be honest, we’re eagerly waiting to mock.

In this segment, Moroni bravely confronts the teachings of the Church, armed with a healthy dose of disbelief and an eyebrow raised to the heavens. We delve into the riveting world of obedience, subservience, and tithing—a trifecta of joy, indeed. With an air of nihilistic skepticism, we question the need to depend solely on a prophet’s guidance, because who needs individual revelation when we can all be sheep, right? Our anecdotes and reflections aim to shatter the illusion of control, exploring the impact of choices on future generations while desperately seeking unconditional love in a world plagued by disappointment and judgment.

Prepare to be astounded as Abigail uncovers the captivating history of banking in pre-Civil War United States. Our focus lands on the eccentric Kirkland Safety Society Bank of the late 1830s, where the rules of conventional banking were merely an illusion. Armed with a satirical smirk, we delve into their groundbreaking currency, adorning each note with the finest “anti-banking company” engravings—a bold statement indeed. But who needs legal documentation when you have audacity? We explore the glorious era of land speculation and wildcat banking, culminating in the unadulterated chaos of the Panic of 1837—a true masterpiece of economic turmoil.

Congratulations! You’ve survived the intoxicating world of “The Total Absence of Leopards.” We hope our impeccably sarcastic and relentlessly snarky journey through scripture, Church teachings, and history has left you questioning the meaning of it all. And as you contemplate the mysteries of existence, don’t forget to raise your glass and take a sip of Abish’s notorious creation, the daring and delicious “U-gonna-die” cocktail. Remember, it’s not just a libation; it’s a metaphor for life’s uncertainties. So, join us next time for another thrilling dose of existentialism and dry wit, served on a platter of disillusionment. Until then, embrace the absurdity, laugh at the chaos, and revel in the enigmatic dance of life.

And hey, don’t forget to roll your eyes. It’s the most exercise you’ll get all day.