This week on the Great and Spacious Podcast, our beloved hosts, Moroni, Abigail, Abish, and aaaAAAaa, grace us with their presence, engaging in some light banter that’s more eye-rolling than entertaining. Moroni, ever the fashion icon, rocks a tuxedo because, why not? He jokingly contemplates reading scriptures from his snazzy attire. Oh, the profound wisdom that will surely follow. Brace yourselves! And let’s not forget their drink of the week, “The Countenance of Darkness,” a concoction that sounds about as appealing as a root canal.

Now, hold on to your seats as aaaAAAaa takes us on a riveting journey through the scriptures. We’re treated to an exhilarating discussion on the adventures of Alma, Mosiah, and their delightful offspring. Brace yourselves for tales of persecution, because nothing says fun like the torment of believers. We’re served a heaping portion of peace, followed by a generous dollop of trouble, because what’s life without a dash of chaos? It’s like a merry-go-round of joy and despair that would make even the most seasoned therapist dizzy.

Oh, but the plot thickens! Abish, our resident expert in all things skepticism, gleefully exposes the Church’s teachings on the use of seer stones. You see, dear listeners, we’ve been led astray. We were once told that Joseph Smith directly translated the Book of Mormon from tangible gold plates. Ah, the simple days of blissful ignorance. But wait! Recent revelations (cue dramatic music) inform us that dear Joseph had a penchant for seer stones instead. What a shocker! It’s almost as if they want us to question everything we’ve been taught. But fear not, the Church swoops in with a video featuring historians, attempting to normalize this stone-studded translation extravaganza. Well played, Church, well played. We’re definitely convinced. Or not.

Now, let’s dive headfirst into the bottomless pit of magical folklore. Abigail, the master of snark, regales us with tales of peeping, scrying, divination, and other “woo woo magic shit.” Apparently, 19th-century New England was the place to be if you wanted a front-row seat to some mystical madness. And lo and behold, the grand magician himself, Joseph Smith, enters the stage. His early followers were clearly mesmerized by his magical prowess. Move over, Houdini! The Mormons have arrived. But wait, there’s more! Let’s not forget the fascinating artifacts and peculiar practices. We’ve got rods that move mysteriously in response to questions—very sexual indeed. And who needs modern medicine when you have a black cane for healing purposes? It’s like Hogwarts meets a sketchy back-alley pharmacy. Oh, and Joseph Smith’s coffin canes, crafted from blood-stained wooden boxes and a coffin, also possess healing powers. Don’t you just love it when the macabre meets the miraculous? It’s like a Disney movie gone horribly wrong.

So, there you have it, folks! This spellbinding episode, “Sticks and Stones,” has taken us on a wild ride through the dark corners of Mormon history. We’ve explored the scriptures, questioning the never-ending cycle of peace and trouble. We’ve smirked at the Church’s attempts to spin the seer stone saga. And let’s not forget the enchanting world of magical folklore, where Joseph Smith and his merry band of believers embraced their inner magicians.

Stay tuned for the next episode, where our hosts will undoubtedly unveil more curious revelations, leaving us questioning the very fabric of existence. Because, in the end, dear listeners, we’re all just floating through the void, searching for meaning in a sea of absurdity. Cheers!