Moroni kicks off this episode with our super complex expert level cocktail of the week:

AaaAAaA sums up Jacob’s full on copypasta of Isaiah’s Greatest Hits, because if there’s one thing the scriptures need, it’s more of the same goddamn thing over and over. This is of course followed by a brief interlude to suck up to Jesus, and then right back to a lengthy list of woes.

Abish educates us on what exactly The Atonement is, why we supposedly need this spiritual parachute, and how we shouldn’t worry about being victims of domestic abuse since apparently we’re already saved by Jesus, PHEW!

Finally, Abigail lightens our lives with some good ol’ fashion old-timey newspaper articles about Mormonites. We learn of poor sweet baby Warner Doty who died of not listening to his friends, after receiving a mission call apparently straight from angels. Citizens in Ohio suffer the detrimental effects of the “unfortunate dupes” moving through their town, and a reporter begrudgingly throws together a last-minute summary of a sermon he overheard.