Set sail with Nephi’s family as Nephi decides to throw out the IKEA instructions and finish building a boat the likes of which mankind has never seen.  Once they land in the americas, get ready to hear a bunch of malarkey that is definitely not supported by any type of archeological record but is still absolutely 100% true. Just ask our buddy Paul R Cheeseman!

AaaAAaaa brings us this week’s un-appetizingly named cocktail:

Abish announces it’s time for AaaAAaaa to stop talking and it’s time for Nephi to be done with his stupid boat. Nephi builds it according to anything BUT the instructions. They make their journey across the sea on their absolutely-no-party boat, Nephi picks yet another fight with his brothers, they tie him to the mast and his ankles and wrists are so ouchy-booboo. Their parents are so annoyed they almost DIED. Somehow everyone survives the boat-based bullshit and they get to the Promised Land.

Moroni relays the Church’s creative interpretation of the boat incident (spoiler alert: OBEY) and all the important lessons we can learn from this story (hint: OBEY). 

Abigail valiantly powers through her illness (mental and otherwise) to bring us a hearty list of reasons why there were definitely not any cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse, and the goat and the wild goat in the Americas when Nephi’s fam allegedly arrived. There were, however, very angry mountain goats, tapirs, and a shitload of deer. We close it out with some extra-snarky newspaper reviews of the Book of Mormon.